Why Are Some Men Sexually Attracted to Lesbians?

A while back, I got into a discussion with a few folks on the topic of why some men are sexually interested in lesbians.  I’ve been thinking about that discussion this morning, and how surprised I was by many of the comments.  It turned out that several men said they were not only interested in lesbians, but that they were especially interested in lesbians.  That is, lesbians were a fetish of theirs.

That befuddled me.  It probably should not have befuddled me, but it did.

I’ve seen the internet porn ads for men who want to view “lesbians” having sex.  So, perhaps I should have known a lot of men are sexually interested in lesbians.

But until the discussion, I didn’t realize those men — at least a goodly number of those men — must actually be sexually interested in real lesbians.  What relatively little lesbian porn I’ve paid attention to has seemed fake to me.  Hence, I have naively assumed that most men are not genuinely interested in real lesbians, but rather in fakes.

Of course, during the discussion, some people didn’t quite understand the question and volunteered such statements as, “The men think the lesbians are secretly bi.”  But that response at most suggests that some men are sexually interested in bi-sexual women, rather than sexually interested in lesbians.

So, why are some men sexually interested in lesbians?  I recall the reasons given included, “Forbidden fruit is the most delicious of all.” “Some men see sex with a lesbian as the unattainable conquest.” And, “Getting a lesbian into bed is the ultimate trophy.”

I’m sure those three reasons apply to some of the men who find themselves sexually attracted to lesbians.  I wouldn’t say they apply to all.  Human motives can be as numerous as there are people.

The thing I don’t understand about those three reasons — or about any reason I’ve heard for why some men are sexually attracted to lesbians — is how such reasons can overcome having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you?

For instance:  Even if I felt that “forbidden fruit is the most delicious of all”, I’m pretty sure I would be put off by an unresponsive partner — no matter how “forbidden” she was.

Before we go on, though, I’d like to make clear that this  is all about sexual attraction.  That is, in my experience, there are some extremely attractive lesbians in this world, but they are extremely attractive as people, and not as sex partners.

At any rate, so far as I’m concerned, the world’s foremost anti-aphrodisiac is — not taxes, although taxes are a close second — but an unresponsive woman who lacks any sexual interest in me.  Like many people, I’ve had the occasional misfortune of discovering that I was not a suitable partner for someone only after getting into bed with them.

Perhaps until that moment, both of us are dreaming of a passionate night together.  But something clicks — or maybe it’s that something does not click — once we actually get going on it.  And, just as soon as it has become evident to me that she is not at all into it — I’ve typically felt my desire drain away.  It doesn’t even take an act of will on my part: I involuntarily lose interest.  And quickly.

Back when I was sexually active, there weren’t that many things that could turn me off.  But an unresponsive woman could.

So, the only lesbian I can imagine being sexually attracted to would be a lesbian who was sexually responsive to me.  But such a lesbian is pretty much by definition bi-sexual, isn’t she?  And therefore, she is not a lesbian, but a bi-sexual.  Or am I confused here?  Can a lesbian get into having sex with a man?  Really get into it?

At any rate, I’ve come up with a notion of why some men might be sexually interested in lesbians even if the woman is not at all sexually interested in them.   But my idea is not based on anything said during the discussion.  Instead, it came to me as I was thinking about all of this just now, and as I got to recalling what it was like to be 18.

Back then, I could easily get passionately turned on by an overly suggestive wood knot,  let alone a breathing woman.  And, frankly, I was willing to have sex with anyone who would let me — regardless of whether or not they were genuinely enthusiastic about it.  I think I must have been blinded by hormones, and I can imagine that some men, similarly blinded, might be attracted to lesbians even if the lesbians are not sexually interested in them.

It’s getting towards dawn.  I have foolishly allowed myself to stay awake all night, and now I am beginning to feel it.  Hence, I’m not sure whether much of what I’ve said in this post makes sense, and I apologize for any missing words, poorly constructed sentences, vulgar references to flatulence, or shameful solicitations for money.   It’s time to turn it over to you.

So what do you think? Why are some men sexually interested in lesbians?

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59 thoughts on “Why Are Some Men Sexually Attracted to Lesbians?

  1. My theory:

    Men see lesbians as a challenge — “Why, I’m more of a man than she is…”

    I have been thoroughly amused by the men I’m with — or stories I’ve heard — of men challenging other male animals (actual animals, a bull or a ram) by pawing the ground and actually snorting. I try not to laugh in those situations.

    And, men seem to be utterly sexually turned on by two women having sex.

    • That’s quite interesting, Karen. I can relate to the part about challenging animals — once, when I was an adolescent, I tried to back down my cousin’s bull. Fortunately, I made it over the barbed wire fence in time. You’ve made me realize how amusing such folly must appear to others.

      And I would bet you’re right there are men who think of lesbians as challenges to their manhood.

      Yet, even after thinking about it for some time now, I can only recall once in my life that I have been sexually interested in a lesbian past discovering she was a lesbian. And that didn’t seem to have much to do with her being a challenge to my machismo.

      I was immensely attracted to her because she happened to be one of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my life. Smart beyond any expectation for a human smart. And she left me in partial denial and feeling conflicted and confused for maybe four or six weeks after she told me she was a lesbian.

    • I actually get turned on by lesbian, that dress up as men and wear no make up. i like girl bald or with a beard too, I wish to be with girl with chest hair too. Any woman that look a lot manly is turn on for me. I don’t like girl looking like girls I like girl who look like strong men

    • Guys love to masturbate to lesbo porn😉 It is not hard to understand why they’d want to hook up with lesbians; even to watch them make out. In the best case scenario to get two women at once; by convincing the lesbos that they are not like other men.

      You are really overthinking this one.

    • I can relate to a threesome (with a couple of bisexual women). It hasn’t been a big fantasy of mine, but I’ve sometimes indulged in it.

      “That one has me stumped, too.”

      Yeah. That’s the $64,000 question. I’m beginning to think there are several reasons some men apparently want to have sex with lesbians — but mostly involving two factors: (1) For whatever reason (e.g. lack of experience) they are more or less indifferent to whether their partner is indifferent, and/or (2)They see having sex with a lesbian as in some way meeting a challenge.

      But I don’t know how I could test my notions for accuracy. So, it’s all speculative.

  2. It’s a staple of porn — the “girl on girl” thing — but I’ve never understood it and never been drawn to it. It doesn’t disgust me, but I’m with you, Paul — it doesn’t suggest a scenario I want to be in.

  3. Maybe they are trying to resist a secret attraction of being turned on by two men? In a patriarchal system, homosexual women are a safer fantasy than homosexual men.

    Or maybe its denial. Isn’t there a saying that everyone is bi unless proven otherwise. And you can never prove otherwise.

    • “Maybe they are trying to resist a secret attraction of being turned on by two men? In a patriarchal system, homosexual women are a safer fantasy than homosexual men.”

      That’s a very interesting idea!

      “Isn’t there a saying that everyone is bi unless proven otherwise. And you can never prove otherwise.”

      I’ve heard the saying, but — as you probably know — in logic, any statement that cannot, under any circumstances, be proved otherwise is a statement that cannot be subjected to scientific inquiry. So I’m not at all sure there’s anyway to demonstrate in this case that the statement “everyone is bi” is likely to be true, either.

  4. I think a lot of men don’t take lesbianism seriously. I agree with the commenters who think a lot of men see them as a challenge to their masculinity and they are narcissistic enough to think that they can “fix” the problem. I think this entire night of musings on your part is very funny. Thanks for letting us peer into your brain.

    • I am shocked — shocked, Squirrel — by the suggestion that a lot of men are foolish and narcissistic.

      OK. I actually think you’re probably right. It’s just that I wish it was unlikely you were right.

      I would prefer to think that it’s all a big misunderstanding, Squirrel, or that the men who are sexually attracted to lesbians are just so horny they not paying attention to anything but the sex of the lesbians.

      That’s the way I want the world to be, and I have a disturbing desire to shut my ears to the men who say they are attracted to lesbians because lesbians are “challenges”, “trophies”, and “conquests”.

      But as I recall from the original discussion (that this blog post is a commentary on), those men were in the majority. In fact, there was only one other guy who did not find lesbians sexually attractive “challenges”, etc.

      Oddly enough, unless I’m missing someone, he was also the only other guy who mentioned he had actual experience of having sex with someone who was not sexually attracted to him. I wonder how many of those other guys have really had that sort of an experience?

      “I think this entire night of musings on your part is very funny. Thanks for letting us peer into your brain.”

      You’re welcome! But, just for the record, I’m not the only one who was foolishly troubled by the original discussion.

      I thought I was, but someone told me very recently that she too had been foolishly disturbed by the discussion — and pretty much for the same reasons as I was.

      Consequently, she and I have decided to do the decent thing, the effective thing, and the intelligent thing. That is, we’ve decided to go drinking together sometime in the near future.

  5. Over a year later… I was Googling looking for a more psychological approach than what the majority of hits came up with. Since I’m only left to speculate because male sexuality is a joke to this culture I’d have to say if the attraction is genuine then it’s a manifestation of intimacy avoidance or self-hate.

  6. I’m also coming to this way late (you must be moving up the google rankings) but I think it may actually be an expression of a man’s own latent bisexual or homosexual desires, at least in the case of the “butch” lesbian, i.e., a woman who looks more masculine in some way. For a man who is struggling with unrealized attraction to his own sex, and is afraid or unable to act on that attraction for some reason, attraction to a masculine woman may provide a resolution that he can somehow rationalize. The fact that this woman would likely not be responsive to his advances is immaterial – after all, we’re talking about theoretical attraction, not actually pursuing such a woman. If he tried to pursue her, he would probably discover in short order that her indifference or outright hostility would turn him off (then again, maybe not).

    Strictly thinking about physical attractiveness, why shouldn’t a (straight) man be *physically* attracted to the “femme” variety lesbian, i.e., lesbians who more or less conform to their societies’ usual stereotypes for female attractiveness? The real question is, why should men be attracted to women who clearly break with those norms?

    Part of the reason may be that those women, in their attempts to look less “feminine”, often make choices that make them look more masculine, or at least androgynous: they wear short hairstyles, men’s clothing, motorcycle boots, etc. These women may thus present a unique combination for a man who is (secretly) also attracted to men: she has characteristics of the men to whom the person in question is attracted, but is physically a woman, and therefore a legitimate object of his desire according to the dictates of traditional society.

  7. I am a man who loves pussy, and when there are two lesbians together, that is all that you see. If a woman is bi, you may see her involved with dick, and when I am looking at porn, all I want to see is pussy. I do not want to see even two women playing with toys or involved with a strap on. I notice that when I log onto a lesbian site, often there will be advertisements which show men with huge dicks promoting dick enlargement, or pictures of women giving blow jobs to men with huge members. This is a tolal turnoff to a man who is totally focused on pussy. When I watch hetero porn, invariably the scene between a man and a woman will end with the man pulling out and ejaculating. I have never understood why the makers of porn believe that a hereosexual man would find it obligatory to see male ejaculation. And just as an aside, I cannot understand why all of the modern day porn, shows women with shaved pussies. A bald pussy puts me in the mindset of watching a prepubescent girl, which is a total turnoff. What’s the deal? Do most pronographers feel that men who watch porn are closed pedophiles? Why in heaven’s name would a man want to see anything other than the hairy pussy of a mature woman? So to sum up my answer to the question why are ment sexually attracted to lesbian women, the answer in my case is because sex between two lesbian women involves what I am turned on by. Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

  8. I’m going to speak from experience as to why I think I prefer lesbian women (and I mean lesbians not lesbian porn) as I have actually had a sexual partner who was a lesbian.
    Now most of my life I have admired women to the point of wishing I had been born female. Now it was never strong enough for me to cross dress in public or opt for surgery however if I’d been given the ability to painlessly and flawlessly change gender I would have. I’ve never had any interest in men and even judging if a man is sexually attractive to women has been hard for me. I just prefer women through and through.
    Now the woman who I fell for was a coworker who was on a break with her girlfriend. Early in her life she had been confused about her sexuality and been married to a man. Me and her were extremely attracted to each other by our interests and personalities. We ended up establishing a rather passionate sexual relationship. She thought it was so weird because she is almost never attracted to men. She was the first woman I ever confessed to about wishing I myself were a lesbian and not a man. I know it sounds weird to say but it’s honestly the way I feel. For some reason I just think woman are vastly superior to men and always have. I was raised by an extremely independent mother who got through two college degrees and worked while taking care of me. I think perhaps their is some sort of relation here as I’ve always seen the female as the superior gender and one I should admire over males.
    Anyway, those are my personal experiences and speculations. If I ever discuss it with a professional I’ll post my findings.

  9. I can only speak for myself here obviously but I as a heterosexual identified guy, I’ve had many crushes on butch woman (celebs, people I’ve met in real life, etc.). Some were lesbian, some bi and some straight. However most of my masturbatory videos and pictures are of very feminine women with the typical wide hips, great butts and decent breast size (I’m an ass man as they say so big knockers aren’t especially important). If I watch lesbian porn, it’s almost always the so called lipstick lesbian looking girls who are probably not gay in real life.

    I don’t masturbate to butch looking women or pics of them usually even though I think they are hot. Excluding the fetish guys’ who apparently want to bed lesbians just for the “prestige”, they are clearly retards. Lesbian woman don’t want to or have sex with men (ignoring past sexual encounters when they hadn’t come to terms with their sexuality and were conforming to our heteronormative culture) and if they do they are by definition, bisexual.

    I’m afraid I don’t identify with the threesome with two lesbians comment if we’re referring to actual lesbian women. Yes I’ve heard men say they want to sleep with two women (me too naturally) and they probably say a “couple lesbians” but that’s not what they mean. Obviously if two women agree to sleep with you, they must be bisexual. But when guy’s are having conversation with each other, I doubt they qualify those types of comments so people misunderstand. Yes many straight men love a threesome with two girls but only if those girls will be in to him and if that’s the case, they are not completely gay.

    Anyway to explain my own attraction to butch lesbians (or butch looking women in general) and perhaps many men is that simply as heterosexual (or bisexual) men, we are into the female sex. And that means all types of women turns us on, from the very common “girly girls” to the tomboy and masculine looking women.

  10. Why lesbians, and not bisexual women?
    Well, bisexuals can be attracted to almost any man or women, but for a lesbian to have sex with a man, she is making an exception, just for him. There must be (in his mind) something so special or unique or masculine about him that makes her change her mind for him. Maybe it’s his impressive manhood, or his bedroom skills, or the way he fees and smells, or whatever, buts it’s something irresistible to her.
    As a former lesbian (now bisexual) woman in a sexual relationship with a straight man, I struggle to tell him why I picked him to be my ‘first-man-in-many-years’. It makes me almost a born-again-virgin, but the most sexually experienced virgin he will ever meet. He can take me where no man has gone before (at least in a long time), and maybe he likes to hear things like, “I never knew a dick could feel so good”, or “is this what i have been missing all these years?”
    Lesbians, I think (maybe bisexual women too) are a little more sexually confident and willing to tell partner what they like or need. I think men like this, a take-charge lesbian just satisfying herself on him.
    So, I think it is kind of a challenge, to be man-enough to pull a lesbian, to be special enough for her to re-consider (and be surprised by?) herself, her expectations or her desires.

  11. I am a strasight man in love with a lesbian woman. I stumbled upon this page looking for a workable answer to my dilemma. I have proclaimed my love to her and she seems comfortable with that. To complicate matters, I’m married so maybe she feels that I’m no percieved threat but we have become good friends and we are close enough that we’re planning a vacation getaway together. Sex has not been a topic of discussion yet though I truly desire her (which I”m sure she knows). She is quite the girlie type and not the least “butch”. We always have our “physical” moments, hugging, touching, kisses on the cheek, which I feel is her returning my affection. But I wonder if I’m not just fooling myself. Am I reading this all wrong? Is she just being nice? Am I just being “patted on the head” like a puppy? We have as much in common as any two people could possibly have. I feel that she has genuine feelings for me too but I wonder if my love for her hasn’t blinded me. I know no one can answer these questions but her and I’m not ready to ask for her true feelings for fear that I’m only fooling myself. Geez, what a sad predicament I’ve allowed myself to get into. Any constructive advice will be appreciated.
    One more thing, my attraction has nothing to do with “saving” her, or wanting to have a threesome, or any other lame retarded reason I’ve heard offered. Thanks for listening.

    • Okay, here’s what I got for you….
      Many, many people identify as gay or straight but are actually somewhere along the spectrum of bisexual. The fact that she hasn’t rejected your touch and affection, despite this admission, is a positive sign that she cares for you and trusts you not to violate her boundaries. Yes, she knows you desire her.
      You have not mentioned if she is partnered. If she is, then I suggest you respect that, and not press this further unless she brings it up. If she is single, continue reading.
      You don’t mention your relationship status with your wife. If things aren’t going well there, you need to break it off because it isn’t working, not just because you’ve found someone else you like. Maybe you need to be single and figure out what you like/don’t like about your wife, this woman and any other future partners. Do you truly care for HER, or is she just filling a vacant emotional connection need that you have lost?; the excitement of a new relationship that is missing from the old one…. If things ARE still going well with your wife (in the bedroom and otherwise) then now may be the time to bring up open relationships, polyamoury or the possibility of a threesome.
      You also don’t mention if you want a serious relationship with this woman or just sex. I am assuming, since you said LOVE, you want a relationship. She may want a more formal break between you and your wife, not wanting to be a mistress or home wreaker. Confide in her your relationship issues, but don’t complain about your nagging/frigid/boring/fat wife to her.
      Also, be supportive of her place in the LGBT community. Get to know some gay rights and be comfortable with Pride/gay bars etc… Show her you respect this side of her, and aren’t trying to change her into a straight. Do remember that some lesbians (ie her friends and lovers) may reject bisexual woman, and that a transition to a bisexual identity be a challenge to her place in the community. (And saying something like: ‘wouldn’t life/family/social pressure be easier with a man?’ will get you bitch-slapped, ass-kicked to the curb).
      IF you do get the chance to go to bed with her, remember most women prefer external stimulation, so use your hands and tongue, and keep your dick away for a while (of course, she may like penetration, so communication here is important). Prove to her that you are interested in her pleasure first. And if she hasn’t been with a man before, then she may not be comfortable with a blowjob, so keep that one for much later when, when (with your encouragement) she is more at ease with your body…
      So I say, go for it. Why not tell her what you want on vacation? (pack condoms, be prepared). Let her tells you what makes her hesitate (the wife? First time with a man?). It’s really the same as anyone who wants ‘more’ with a friend. Risk the embarrassment of rejection, and the possible loss of friendship. After all there are no guarantees in love and life, but it really could be worth the reward.
      Good luck!
      jlz

      • hey jlz,
        First, thank you for the inciteful, intelligent, and timely response to my quandry. I’ll try to systematically address all of your points. I’ve wondered about her committment to strict lesbianism and thought that maybe she’s trying to discourage my advances with the big guns just to maybe test my committment/scare me off. And yes, she has admitted to caring for me, I’m just not sure exactly what that means to her. And I’m sure that she trusts me not to violate her. As you know, trust is something that grows over time and ours is developing in a healthy direction. A little more background on her, she’s 31 y/o and has a 9 y/o daughter (and she’s 20+ yearrs younger than myself. If that doesn’t complicate matters …). She has mentioned “her girlfriend” but the reference seemed more like a female friend than “my lover”. Once I expressed my concern about her changing her mind about our upcoming vacation together, that she might become committed and her partner not allow her to go with me. She assured me that she “moves very slow” in such matters and that would not happen. I took that as a good sign. She did tell me that her “girlfriend” is aware of our planned trip and she told her she would be “crazy not to go”. So no matter what their level of committment is, both seem okay with our relationship at this point. The plot thickens ….. One other point, you mentioned that she knows that I desire her. Yes she does. Once she told me (as the Police song Don’t Stand So Close To Me was playing) “You like it when I stand close to you”. Now I know she’s not the type to tease, so I took that as affection. Hopefully not too presumptous. Once I told her that she feels very good as we were making skin to skin contact. The implied meaning (that I know she picked up on) was that “You feel so good on the outside that I am satisfied not to try to feel you on the inside”. I know that came out retarded sounding but that’s as well as I can put it here. As you suggested, we have talked about the recent local Pride Day and the Chick-Fil-A incident. She knows that I’m a very accepting and tolerant person when it comes to personal choices and that I am comfortable with her being gay. I hope that I’ve shown that I have no intention of trying to “change” her in any way, that I love her just the way she is, gayness and all. Now as to what that means for our future relationship, I have no clue.
        As for my home situation, married 23 years, kids mostly raised, in a rut, no sex, nothing in common. We don’t even like the same TV shows. I’ve been playing guitar seriously for 6 years now with hopes of making extra money after retirement. She has complimented my playng once in 6 years. Just once! I have repeatedly suggested we find a hobby together, bowling, movies, basket-weaving, whatever. Nothing! She has never responded with any ideas. So now I’m tired of trying. And then I meet this almost perfect girl, just like me in almost all things. How could I not fall in love? And of course just one small problem, she’s gay. But that hasn’t seemed to change my feelings for her one bit. I don’t think its the “forbidden fruit” thing. We truely have so many things in common. We’ve both acknowledged that fact.
        What I have not asked her ( I guess for fear of what she may say) is where does she think this relationship is going. What are her expectations of me and of herself. I think it’s too early for either of us to face that issue. I think my best plan now is to let our friendship grow and deepen and just see where things go. (I am scard to leave my wife under such sparse hopes for fear that I’ll loose my pension, 401K, etc.) But I see your point that if things are so bad at home, that would be the logical move. I’m just not ready to “shoot myself in the foot” just yet for a woman that I have about a snowball’s chance in hell of developing a really meaningful relationship with.
        Ohhh, one more small point. When she first told me that she was a lesbian (when we first met) she assured me that she doesn’t “hate men”. I’m sure I must have had a surprised look on my face as she might as well have given me a left hook. I never saw that one coming.
        I hope this better explains my situation. Things seem to be proceeding as though we were developing a “normal” relationship aside from the fact that she’s a lesbian. Maybe I’m expecting too much. I’m not at all, nor would ever suggest, that I want to change her back to being straight or that things would be “hunky freakin’ dorry if she were. What I do know, I love her and have told her that. She cares for me (not sure how much at this point). She knows that I respect her “boundries”. That I would never expect her to have sex if she didn’t really want to. I’ve barely even allowed myself to think about sex with her. No sense in teasing myself with the impossible, or at least the mostly improbable.
        That about sums it up. Ask if there’s anything I’ve left out. And thanks for listening and offering your perspective. You seem to be very intuitive in these matters.

        Jim

    • Yeah. Your ending is another misconception integrated into the attraction of a girl that just happens to be bisexual or a lesbian. Theres no game involved to win a trophy or task completed in making them reconsider their sexual choices. If you happen to like someone its just that. This might not be the case for every straight guy that likes someone like this, but it seems like its often overlooked.

  12. I am secretly bi but I tell people I’m lesbian because right now I’m into girls and I dislike it when men ask if they could watch when I used to tell them I’m bi. It even ruined a close friendship I had w my best guy friend.

  13. Dear ilike…
    These type of relationships are exceptionally complicated and hard to maintain as I’m sure you will agree. My friend and I also found it best to part ways. The fact that both probably weren’t completely honest with each other only added to the confusion. At least we ended things on a friendly note. I hope yours ended peacefully also. My best guess is that my “friend” is also bi and not lesbian. She never admitted that, but I sensed it from the beginning. And we all have the right to change our minds, although my therapist assures me that our sexuality is NOT a choice. Maybe not but surely our actions are. The breakup was, none the less, quite traumatic for me. If you’d like to discuss this topic further, let me know. It’s healing for me to talk about and hopefully someday understand the whole situation.

    Regards,
    Jim

  14. I don’t know about men with lesbian porn but I’m a girl who likes watching man on man porn and it’s not really about wanting to have sex with them specifically it’s more of a voyeur thing, you enjoy watching it and you think it’s sexy. That’s it. Of course that’s just gay porn. There’s storys that people write that’s actually romance themed and not just sex. But that’s another matter entirely.

  15. I can’t speak for other guys but myself I am attracted to lesbians because they have a different kind of beauty that seems less invested in societal norms which i find to be banal and shallow. not that i am judging people who have style and lifestyles which are more ordinary per se, but i do feel the potential for a deeper kind of connection with someone for whom long-held norms and assumptions about gender, sexuality, and culture in general are not taken for granted. I have also experienced this attraction toward queer and even just more open-minded men in general, but i am strictly a heterosexual in the sense that i do not have a sexual interest in men, but i do experience maybe the romantic feelings, and lesbians to me perhaps represent an intersection where this desire to love someone with whom i can share a unique and powerful connection is there as well as sexual attraction to the the female form.

    *i don’t ever hit on lesbians by the way, i think that is weird and probably disrespectful and evident of some misconceptions about human sexuality. but i do find myself attracted to girls who are attracted to guys but with a queer identity, or have a more open approach to their personal aesthetic that can include styles commonly associated with ‘androgyny’ or masculinity. maybe i just think it is cool when a girl has a power about her in the sense of not trying to mold herself to society’s expectations of what kind of sexual object a woman should present herself as.

    here’s the thing: i am at the beach, i see a girl in a tiny thong, flowing locks, jewelry, high heeled sandals, etc. and lots of make up. my male instincts go off immediately and cause me to desire to have sex with her. but another instinct also comes into play in that i wonder if i can really connect to this person to form a strong bond… since my interest is so strongly rooted in male sexual desire, and many forms of cultural ‘femininity’ seem to have been dictated by men seeking control over femininity and dictating what and where it should be and look like, that i am suddenly somewhat ‘turned off’ to the idea of her, almost like i would rather talk to someone on the beach in an old t-shirt, a few pounds over the cultural ‘ideal’ with short hair and a devil-may-care attitude. maybe this is just some strange new iteration of whole the ‘manic-pixie’ thing but maybe i just want someone more like me to love, instead of someone who seems to be a poster child for culturally ideal male-perpetuated female identity?

  16. I often find myself, as a straight male, attracted to lesbian women.
    I’m not entirely certain why this is. I by no means fit into the traditional patriarchal “male” gender role, and I’m not after a lesbian couple to indulge me with a threesome. I’m not a very sexually-driven person to begin with, to be honest (which causes no end of strife with my girlfriend, who is VERY sexual)
    I make an emotional connection with people much more than I so a physical one – to the extent that I begin to wonder whether I might be demisexual. I tend to describe myself as heterosexual, and panromantic, in that I can form a romantic attraction to anybody, but I am only sexually attracted to ciswomen. I certainly still feel sexually attracted to physically attractive people, no matter how well I know them – most sexual people do, I believe. I just very often find myself getting little crushes on gay girls, and I don’t know why.

  17. I’ve heard that being a gay male is like being a woman trapped inside a man’s body.

    What if the woman trapped inside the man’s body is a lesbian?

  18. I recently ended a two year relationship with a woman that had been in a committed lesbian relationship for the prior 14 years.

    We had a personal history that brought us together, and we were in love as well as being lovers. Our experience together was transcendent for both of us sexually. She taught me to make love to her the way women make love to each other. I opened my heart to her, I reached within myself and let go of the urgent male sexual energy and allowed my female and mothering and nurturing side to emerge and join with her. It was a beautiful experience for us both.

    As we explored the sex we also explored out hearts. I made lover to her like a woman, she made love to me like a woman, and we made love like a man and woman.

    I’ll forever be noticing lesbian women in my community and speculating on whether I could meet and approach any of them, be given a chance to find such a state with them.

    That’s what draws me to lesbian women.

    • What happened with one person was your experience with THAT person at THAT time. Hoping to “re-live the moment” with other humans you haven’t even met yet is, IMHO, dodging “the risk” of intimacy that would accompany any venture into the world of “interpersonal relationships.” You have already tasted “The Perfect Fuck” What more is there to seek out? Only the unattainable.

      Intimacy avoidance in a MAJOR way.

  19. I know why I am attractived to lesbians, and it is rather interesting compared to some of the reasons listed. I didnt become sexually active until relatively late in comparison to my peers. The first time was at a party and it had happened because a female friend of mine who was bi sexual had found out, after many drinks, that I was decently afriad of it. everyone in our social circle was experienced and had a couple of years on me. The fear that i wouldn’t be up to the standard had terrified me. that niggt she took my virginity and spent a fair ammount of time instructing me. she was bi sexual at the time, but had well been on her way too butchhood as she called it. Never before then, but always afterward I’ve had an attrraction to butchy bi sexuals and lesbians. there is something in everyone i find that reminds me of her and invariably attracts me. They remind me of the one time in my life when someone took me by the hand, regardless of gender roles or sexuality, and gave me confidence.

  20. I came out as a lesbian back in the 7th grade and I’m currently 29. I have never dated or had sex with a guy, even though many guys have tried to be the first over the years. A lot of the guys would play that “I’m going to turn you straight” game, or would say I’m gonna be the first guy to screw you. The one thing all of the guys had in common was that I barely even existed in their eyes until they found out I was gay. The majority of the guys got bored of the chase pretty quickly and moved on. But there are a couple of guys where I have not seen them in years and they still try to Facebook message me or text me to ask if I’m still gay and act like I owe them sex. These are the ones where I think they have narcisstic tendencies. Most normal people would feel too embarrassed or pathetic to go contacting and old crush that they haven’t seen since high school saying that they still want them. It’s probably just wanting what you can’t have, or they see screwing a lesbian as a huge trophy, the ones that chase you for years probably see it as a threat or insult to their manhood and those types of guys usually already have issues anyways.

  21. Wow, most of these comments are really crappy, assuming the worst and stereotyping men in a very negative fashion. Good things you aren’t men, or this would be one of the most sexist things I’ve seen.

    The article on the other hands was kosher.

    The motivations aren’t as trite, sinister or stupid as some of ladies would like to think.
    My numerous lesbian friends tell me I have a “dyke boner”, that is to say that I inadvertently, and often against my will fall in lust or love with lesbians, typically butch one.

    I’m not gay. I don’t do the unattainable thing, and I damned sure don’t have any interest in trophies of any sort. So why would a measly, (apparently vile) male fall for such women.

    It turns out that they are safe. Being masculine in nature, there is less to fear from them. They aren’t out to do anything but be my friend and have my back, have some fun and chill out. They never nag me, they don’t want anything from me but me. No free meals, no baby daddy nonsense, just me. They also have a FAR better grasp of sexuality in general, especially male sexuality. They tend to understand alot of the things most women refuse to for the excess of judgement and assumption.

    The fun thing, the judgement free, not wanting anything? That’s golden to guys. It’s hard not to fall in love with anything that has a vagina and calls you up to say “Let’s play some XBOX and then head to the mall for coffee and check out the new girl at CinaBon.”

    If they want the dishes done, they say “Hey dude, it’s your turn to get the dishes, can you do it.” instead of some crap drama.

    Imagine that men have emotions, needs outside of sandwiches and sex(such as conversation, safety, togetherness etc) and the ‘mystery’ of why men would end up having a thing for severely lesbian women isn’t very mysterious at all.

  22. I have to agree with the above statement of safety and a female liking you for who you are as a person and not what you can be or do for them like being a sugardaddy or a future husband provider to be or drive them around in a fancy car and take them out shopping. There are no mindgames or angles at play just genuine interaction. The majority of lesbians I know seem to have a male mindset with equal standards of ethics and fairness as mine which I agree most males don’t even have. It’s like talking to a female version of myself which feels very comfortable. But I do admit to the trophy quest issue or narcissism. In my case I’m very well endowed and my penis is up on the internet which started of as a joke but grew out to be quite popular. I sometimes get messages from lesbians who have no interest in men but are very much turned on by big penises or at least mine. Probably because they want to identify with its masculinity and not because they necesarily want it. In any case I feel very flattered. I have a lesbian friend who saw my penis at the spa and she admitted she was turned on by it. It’s a great egoboost or confirmation that I’m unique or special which I realise equates to narcissism or the equivalent of trophy hunting meaning a lesbians validation of my masculinity is more valueable than any other type of person. Its not about turning lesbians straight or wanting sex with someone who isn’t atracted to your gender but more a confirmation that in this world of the average or normal standard I’m way above that.

    In our defense though, women have shown to do the exact same thing with gay men. Trying to turn them straight by excessively showing of their bodies around gay men validating how sexy or special the woman must be for turning a gay man on.

  23. I think it depends and it can be for multple reasons. Many if not most of my female friends are lesbians. Interestingly enough, very few of my male friends are gay. These friends are pretty much all a lot of fun to hang around, party with, and generally have a good time. I have a crush on one of them, she knows it. I’m not even thinking about saying a word about taking it in ‘that direction’ though I do think about sometimes. I think part of that is that I just like her as a person, no drama, honesty, no role-playing, no societal expectations. Intimacy avoidance is almost certainly another part of it. My (ex) wife and I just separated and having a female friend that I am very attracted to and is a lesbian perhaps fills a bit of a spot in my head that I think is ‘safe’ – it may be a bit of a protective mechanism. Since a one-on-one relationship is extremely unlikely, so is the potential hurt and financial ruin that ending a relationship leads to. I think in this case there is a bit of a protective mechanism at work in addition to a friendship.

  24. so, I am a man, and i am attracted to butch girls lesbian or otherwise. I just like a girl who can keep up on a couple days hike, is comfortable being filthy, is strong and practical, frugal, and actually enjoys the same things i do. i e hockey, cheap beer, wood working, earth and animal husbandry. i like a woman who is strong willed and burly enough to punch me in the jaw when i’m being an ass. when it comes down to it i want my lover to be my buddy too. it’s pretty rare to find all those qualities in a woman who isn’t a lesbian.

    • Are you sure you not just looking for a male friend to hang with? Whether sexual or not, it sounds like you’re looking for male companionship. You do realize that lesbian women aren’t going to “share their good stuff” with a male. For the most part and GENERALLY SPEAKING, the idea of heterosexual sex act makes them sick. Just my humble opinion, this and $2.00 will get you a cup of coffee. Be happy my friend.

  25. I can chime in on this. About 90 percent of women I am attracted to ‘end up’ being gay. I find myself attracted to a woman, strike up a conversation, get to know them, and right about the time I work up the nerve to ask her out, I find out she’s gay. I always end up finding out after my interest is piqued. So for me, the person’s gender-identity has nothing to do with my attraction. Also, I don’t really believe you can tell a person is gay just by looking at them or talking to them. I have known straight men and women who acted or spoke in a manner which some people would construe as ‘gay’ and visa-versa, homosexual men and women who you would have no idea about unless they told you. Also, the idea of being with someone who is not attracted to me isn’t particularly appealing, neither is watching two women make out. I don’t have any lesbian fantasies. Also the idea of sharing is unappealing, not into 3-somes, and the idea of being intimate with more than one woman at a time is unappealing. I’m very much a one guy one girl type of guy. Maybe I just have shit luck. Absolute shit luck. BTW I’m like 30 so not an inexperience issue…

  26. I agree with the commentator who suggested it’s a form intimacy avoidance. Some men (and women) seem to be only attracted to unobtainable individuals or individuals who specifically lack interest in them. A lesbian is the ultimate unobtainable object for a heterosexual male. In a sense then, the attraction can be pure sexual but it’s safe, in that it never carries the threat of intimacy.

  27. There are many interesting comments on here. Many of the comments are caricatures and/or vilifications of male sexual attraction. Other comments are very good in providing the nuance of male sexual preference and the non-homogeneity of male sexuality.

    I’ll provide my own experience with as little editorializing as possible.

    Nearly every woman I’ve been attracted to turns out to be a lesbian. I dated two female’s in college that later came out as lesbian.
    I thought Sarah Fluke, the notorious law student who testified before Congress about keeping birth control as an option in Universal Healthcare, was attractive. I met a friend of my wife’s who is gay and her gay friend’s girlfriend. Her girlfriend and I hit it off. I got strong vibes that maybe she isn’t strictly gay, so I’m avoiding her. My wife hasn’t told me anything but she has made up weak excuses for not getting together with them again for dinner.

    I recently watched a Youtube video with a girl I thought was very girly and was super cute and witty. She, I just found out, is a very out lesbian.

    Now I don’t doubt that there must be a facial pattern and physicality that may attract me to lesbian women. It may just be a matter of selection. That is, I may like less classically feminine women, and they more likely tend to be lesbian. I offered that bone up, but I doubt that very much. I doubt it because of the females that I’ve been attracted to who I then find out are lesbian there are: fem, girlie, athletic, tomboyish, chubby cute, and seemingly cis-gender beautiful. I will admit though that I’m never sexually attracted to butch, aggro or super masculine looking girls. The same goes for dainty or weak looking females.

    Last year, I got to know a woman who is married to a man. She is also tom-boyish. I was really sexually attracted to her. Then I realized a pattern in her Instagram posts. There was a girl who is very masculine type and she keeps popping up in posts all over the world. The girl I’m attracted to travels a lot. I’m pretty sure she is lesbian.
    I’ve had fantasies about sex. Even after I concluded she is gay. I’ve imagined that her strong athletic body would grip my head powerfully driving her hips with each surge or her orgasm and that she would drive my head into her pussy telling me to drink her cum at point of climax.
    But I imagined this very explicitly fantasy and others like it about her and other women before finding out she was gay. It is a bit of a let down to think she is gay, because as others have said it is very repulsive to think of a sexual partner that is unresponsive or a Bill-Cosbyesque type fetish. Fucking disgusting. Literally.
    But with the women that I find out are lesbians I fantasize that I somehow convince them to let me perform cunnilingus and that I gratify them with a great feeling for a time. And that we can rendezvous from time to time to enjoy each other. I never think past the finger penetration and cunnilingus and I suppose I can be accused of harboring a nascent desire to turn a lesbian over to the straight side. But I deny this strongly. I’m attracted to the person and at least in my mind it precedes their sexuality.

    Look I’m straight and married. I’ve had fantasies for as long as I can remember. So please do not lecture me on fidelity and being good to my wife. I recognize that all humans continue to have fantasies, regardless of commitment (except for the honeymoon phase). I’ve avoided women that I’ve known desired to have sex with me out of respect for my relationship. I also avoided the lesbian friends girlfriend in an effort to keep a friendship and not complicate my life. I don’t want an award for it, but recognition that I’m not out to step out on my wife.

    My point is that I’m perennially attracted to strong female types and sexy women that I later find out are in fact lesbian. In my opinion, at least its origin has nothing to do with attaining the unattainable, nothing to do with conquest fetish, or some trivial, Freudian psychoanalysis that labels me a for intimacy avoidance. I am somehow attracted to women that turn out to be gay. Look some of my very good friends are lesbian butch and aggressive masculine women. They tell me I have a leydar. But that is all in jest. Although, I feel a camaraderie with them because they understand the depth of my attraction and how much it can frustrate inter-personal dynamics.
    Anyway, my point was to touch upon the nuance of male sexuality as it relates to attractions to lesbians.

  28. Well, first, the disclaimer. I am cis male and not all that sexually attracted to lesbians. The fantasy of watching two women get it on doesn’t do anything for me. So-called lesbian porn is B-O-R-E-I-N-G.The “thrill of conquest”, getting a “real lesbian” to fuck me isn’t even a stale stand-by fantasy for me.

    That said, I have slept with three lesbians over the course of my life. They are very different from one another personality-wise. They had some things in common beyond being lesbians. They are all very intelligent, very spiritual, and very grounded emotionally.

    I never asked any of them why they decided to have sex with me. none of this was a “one night stand” I think the shortest span of time from first meeting to Rocking The Futon was two months. I never hit on any of them and each and every time it was a real surprise to me to learn that they were sexually attracted to me.

    With each of them, they made the first move. They weren’t interested in a long term relationship (romantic/sexual) they simply reached a point where they thought it would be a good idea to fuck me. I did not say “no”

    There was an unmistakable emotional bond between us before any sex happened. Just not the sort of bond that would turn into “Happily ever after” They were capital “L” lesbians.

    So…why did it happen? I don’t know. But I will say this.the biggest charge I EVER got from a lover, emotionally, ego-boost-wise, the hottest thing ever said to me, ect,ect, was from a lesbian taking my face in her hands after we had made love and saying ” Oh God, (name deleted) you make love like a woman.”

  29. The comment above this comment wreaks of putrid, cacagraphical account. There is perhaps no greater bullshit foisted onto a non-commercial website as the above account detailing romantic/sexual encounters between a cis-male and lesbians.
    Apologies if that is too curt and somewhat rude, but I held back on opining until I could no longer containing commenting on this utter fabrication.

  30. Many of us straight guys can be attracted to Lesbians, especially since many lesbians are very hot looking today which it makes it very sad that they will go with other women instead since they Don’t like men to begin with.

  31. I think it’s appropriate to consider “lesbian attraction” as a complex and spectral phenomena. Perhaps for some, it may be a function of seeking to dominate women who have rejected men, but that’s absolutely not the case in all circumstances. For some, e.g. those who have grown up studying and embracing LGBTQ literature, being “naturally” (a terrible word that isn’t ‘natural’ but a reflection of one’s environmental conditioning) attracted to women, but rejecting the ugliness of heterosexual paternalistic dominance of women, we wonder: what would it be like if we could have been born without our maleness, but attracted to women? How could intimacy be co-equal, not a symbolic representation of rape, where a man’s phallus penetrates the female-Other? Is there a place for us to reject this intrinsic, structural violence that comes with our bodies, and instead allows us to find a radically equal relation with strong women in a non-paternalistic relation?

    There are countless problems in this construction. Derrida’s Of Grammatology gives a grounding of where the queering and trans-identity radically begins, as does Judith Butler’s queering in Gender Trouble and other works. I just wanted to weigh in that the issue isn’t a binary, and there are those-born-structured-as-men who have not felt comfortable in that hegemonic, paternalistic role, but also found queer women to be resonant in their identity construction.

  32. Many Lesbians are very Hot looking since i am a straight man looking for a Good woman to settle down with, and if i met a woman that is a Lesbian and she was very much attracted to me which it would be very possible to connect with one another if nature took it course.

  33. it’s all about aesthetics. To a straight guy, women are pretty and sexy and fun to look at, men are not. They want to see boobs,vaginas,soft curves, pouty lips and hear feminine moans. They don’t want to look at another, hairy, sweaty guy and see his junk. Rather than watch some other ugly ass guy bang a hot chick, ditch the dude and add a second hot chick! BAM! twice the hotness for the price of one!
    It’s not about being sexually attracted to lesbians, it’s about wanting to watch sexual acts performed by attractive women without the annoying distraction of other men.

    • That is So True! I’m a 16 year old girl, and I think 2 pretty girls having sex is beautiful. But I hate 2 Guys doing it. I am not a Lesbian and I’m not Bi, but I have fooled around with a couple of by (girl) friends (not girlfriends) from school, just to see what it was like, and to help each other learn what feels good. I masturbate while I’m watching girls do it on videos, because it make me feel sexy and helps me have orgasms.

  34. I guess one reason I can think of is it’s a novel experience in a society built for rich white men that has porn phenomenon like the “male gaze” – that is it’s a fantasy about female sexuality existing in a circumstance that can’t possibly include a male figure that he can relate with – basically someone who he can pretend to be in his implicit fantasy.

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