Comments on: Why Do Men Look At Teen Nudity?

By: kysha430

kysha430 — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 08:53:11 +0000

I think relationships can survive pornagraphy if it is not used as a substitute for intimacy. I can understand why some women feel hurt about their partners use of porn. I think many people in relationships, once the newness wears off, are not experiencing real connection, sharing, intimacy.

I am aware of ways to channel sexual energy so that it revitalizes the whole being, emotional, physical, and spiritual, rather than just serving as a quick release.

When sex is engaged in ways that embrace the whole person, the relationship only deepens and both people continue to increase in their love for the other through sex.

Sadly, this seems to be lacking in most relationships.

By: joe

joe — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 07:04:21 +0000

My wife and I have argued about pornography, and so did my parents. I feel that its an outlet that isn’t adulterous. (Is not the same as cheating) But my wife feels that any sexual activity shes not envolved in is cheating. I don’t think the images of a woman is at all the same as an actual woman– after all, we’re really talking about masterbating while fantasizing about an imaginary person. This is why I think its okay, and she doesn’t. We agreed that lying about it is not okay, but I’m not going to abstain from it completely so its better left unspoken… Fortunately, our marriage has survived it.

By: kysha430

kysha430 — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 20:01:30 +0000

I am only recently learning to change the habit of letting others determine how I feel about myself.

I am no longer willing to let the behavior of others have power over my state of being and peace of mind. If someone lies, cheats, is mean to me, whatever, that’s their loss.

They are obviously powerless and not in control of their own impulses. I feel sad for them because as long as they continue being powerless and unable to make choices that will lead to satisfying relationships, they will not get to experience the joy of being self-fulfilled while sharing that joy, playfulness and intense pleasure with me. Period.

By: Jonathan Blake

Jonathan Blake — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:56:47 +0000

Cheri, I’m looking forward to hearing more of what you want to share, but I just want to interject that I can see why, given your personal history, you would feel pained to learn that your husband has been secretly viewing “teen” pornography even if “teen” really meant young adults. And I agree that secrecy can amplify feelings of betrayal in a relationship.

By: cheri

cheri — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:17:07 +0000

Well, I am still feeling mixed up inside, and more importantly strapped for time. I haven’t read through many of the posts here, but I definitely want to gather some information from seperate sources, and “feel out” different perspectives from both males and females, varied age ranges, and backgrounds, etc. I am not sure if I came to the right place, but I suppose time will tell. I will certainly read through more posts when I have more time.
As I stated before, this viewing of pornography is not the only issue within my marriage. The main issue is that I feel our entire marriage is based on (his) lies. And I now question everything about him, his mentality, his sexuality, and all he says, and does. I do know he has viewed it in the past, mostly during deployments, but also in our home against my wishes (because he doesn’t lock or clear anything and I DO NOT want my children seeing ANY of it!). It’s not so much that he has done it, it’s more the other issues surrounding it (like sneaking, being dishonest, neglecting other things to do it, etc). What has hurt the most is finding junk titled ‘teens’ most recently. It immediatley turned my stomach into knots and made my already tricky heart (I really do have a heart condition) feel as if it would explode within me. When I confronted him, he became irate with me and actually called ME a f***in pervert…. ME?!?!?!
It’s all complicated with me, I feel, as I have very particular values, life choices, sexual tendencies (not saying I am a prude..but, well more on that later… maybe)and comfort zones.
My former step father once told me (and others) guys swarm to me, and he gave several cute analogies at different times throughout the years. I’ve also been told (in the past) I drive guys wild/crazy, and my smile could get any guy into a world of trouble. But in this “past life” of mine (before marriage and children, it seems whatever it is I had has only gotten me into trouble. I say that because at a very young age I was exposed to “driving men crazy”. As a child, I was touched inappropriately by a man at my church. At age 14 I I lost my virginity without a say in the matter when a friend and I were brutally “gang raped”. At age 15 (I left home) and moved in with a couple and helped care for their two young sons. I attended high school while living there and had my own room. It was all fine and good until the dad started coming on to me. It seems eveywhere I went I attracted guys, in many cases much older than myself. I never thought I put myself out there. Yes, I looked older, but I was very modest and innocent in many ways. I have since done work for people of varied age ranges that have survived similar experiences. Though there have been some postives, there is no doubt my sexuality, intimacy with others, and feelings and views toward such was forever altered.

(must end the ramblings for now (duty calls), but will likely add more at another time)

By: Jonathan Blake

Jonathan Blake — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:44:11 +0000

Cheri (or anyone else who wants to share),

I’m going to turn over a new leaf and try to listen for a change.

I’m curious about why your husband’s viewing of pornography hurts you. How do you feel when you think about his use of pornography? What message do you receive from his actions?

Thanks for sharing.

By: cheri

cheri — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:14:38 +0000

Sorry about my rant and typos. I am still dealing with raw emotion.

By: cheri

cheri — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:12:24 +0000

I was appalled to find teen pornography on our old computer, the computer that we gave to our young son for school work and occasional games. If I may also add that I was very clear that I have no say over what he looks at outside of the home, but that I never want any of that in the home near my children again. This is far from the only issue between my husband and myself. However, it went take too long to get into all the gory details. He has since left the family home (somewhat mutually)trying to come back a few different times as if nothing happened. But then went and stayed under the same roof as a teenager. I do not want him back in the home, yet he claims he does not want to legally seperate or divorce and that we are still to be in a commited, loyal marriage to one another. Due to his past actions and feeling as if our entire marriage is based on lies (his lies) I cannot rely on him to help with the children, follow through with anything he says he will do, or make any positive changes. Alo, I cannot wrap my head around how he thinks he hasn’t just creating more questions, suspisions, insecurties, and pure disgust over his behavior.

By: Heat

Heat — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:08:10 +0000

I’m not defending the men but in truth alot of these ” teens” in the porn are not teens. Just like in the movies many of the actors are not teens but people in their 20s. We in society, in media images don’t have a good image of what a real teenager looks like just portrayals and ideas. At my age of 25 I look at teenagers and see them as children. When I was a child I saw them as almost adults. But they are not adults they don’t have the money or necessary skills to care for themselves in this society.If it were youth that was being glorified then infants the youngest of us would be the ones being sexualized. Its taboo, a mixture of maturity and youth , a sense of power and control that makes it alluring. But it too would get old after the 1st time. Thats why people are in relationships most often with people that stimualte them not just physically but also intellectually if they are lucky.

By: Jonathan Blake

Jonathan Blake — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:27:06 +0000

I just read this article about a researcher whose findings suggest that the effects of pornography on male behavior and attitudes are negligible. Here are a couple of interesting quotes:

We started our research seeking men in their twenties who had never consumed pornography. We couldn't find any…

Lajeunesse found most boys seek out pornographic material by the age of 10, when they are most sexually curious. However, they quickly discard what they don't like and find offensive. As adults, they will continue to look for content in tune with their image of sexuality. They also rarely consume pornography as a couple and always choose what they watch. All test subjects said they supported gender equality and felt victimized by rhetoric demonizing pornography. "Pornography hasn't changed their perception of women or their relationship which they all want as harmonious and fulfilling as possible. Those who could not live out their fantasy in real life with their partner simply set aside the fantasy. The fantasy is broken in the real world and men don't want their partner to look like a porn star," says Lajeunesse.

What I take from this is that women who feel hurt by their partners viewing pornography alone (you have a right to your own pain—I can't judge your situation through the intertubes) may take some solace that their partners are not abnormal, that viewing pornography doesn't erode all sense of decency, and that their partners won't necessarily allow their fantasy life to spill over into their relationship. Peace.