Celibacy and the Single Sage
May 2, 2008
I was careening around the net this evening looking for inspiration when I bumped across two blog posts in a row dealing with celibacy. That’s when I thought, “Surely this is the start of something: I predict the next blog post will be titled, ‘Celibacy and the Single Sage’”.
It wasn’t.
“No matter”, I thought, “I shall take it as a sign to write about celibacy, for I have a title!” So, here I am, writing about celibacy on the theory I have a great deal to say about celibacy because I have a great title.
Well, although I’m not exactly a sage, I am celibate — so at least I’ve got that going for me here. Moreover, by coincidence, a couple of people asked me last month why I was celibate — so I now have some experience discussing it. How could anything go wrong with such a great title and — all that experience on my side?
So, let’s begin. Perhaps, like the folks last month, you wonder why anyone would choose to be celibate?
Actually, I don’t know an answer to that. Dang. Next question, please!
OK. What I do know is that, when I tried to answer the folks who asked me why I was celibate, I made a good faith effort to answer the question. Yet, the result was only my stumbling through six or seven possible reasons I choose to become celibate. And none of those reasons seemed very correct to me.
Have you ever done that? Have you ever begun answering someone only to realize you didn’t have any reasons for what you did — you were instead acting on your gut instinct? On your intuition?
It took me a while stumbling through the reasons I have often thought I had for becoming celibate, but eventually I recalled enough of the past to discern I was following my instincts — and not my head — at the time I choose to become celibate.
So, I cannot really answer the question of why I decided to become celibate. It was a gut decision. The reasons I’ve often fancied I had for my decision are really just afterthoughts. Near as I can figure it out, that’s far closer to the truth than the six or seven reasons I offered my friends in haste last month.
Those were challenging times — back when I decided to become celibate. That was the context.
I had only recently lost my business, my wife, my house, and much else. I had then gone on the road with no clear destination, looking for someplace to live. I’d come to Colorado Springs by quirk and circumstance. And though I didn’t know enough about mental health at that time to recognize it, I was afflicted with depression. It surprises me I didn’t shack up with someone.
I have known many people who went through something similar, and in most cases, they sought solace in sex and romance, religion, drugs, or alcohol. I went with my intuition and stayed away from those things.
That was 13 or 14 years ago. Except for a few one-night stands in the early years, I have been celibate ever since (Eventually, I even got therapy and treatment for the depression and became insufferably happy).
So I can’t really say I decided to become celibate for this or that reason, but only that I went with my gut, and that it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made for myself. These past few years, after getting the depression under control, have been the happiest of my life. Celibacy: It’s not just for sages anymore!
Now, I’m curious to hear what life decisions you’ve made by going with your gut instincts? How did those decisions work out for you?
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May 2, 2008 at 4:40 AM
I’ve said before elsewhere that my gut instincts have led me to trouble and happiness both over the years; some of my decisions based on information available at the time turned out to be wrong but hey; I did what I wanted and took the consequences. As I age, regret seems more and more of a waste of time!
It’s not wrong to go with your gut – you just have to acknowledge if your gut usually gets you into trouble. So, I’d call it a gut feeling modified by past knowledge!
The real test is sticking to your decisions once you’ve made them. Seeing it through. That’s the tough part. You seem to be doing well, though!
May 2, 2008 at 7:14 AM
Gut level! The only way to live for me. All the times I’ve used my head instead has lead to some sort of regret especially in relationships and work.
I married my ex because she was what I logically thought was what I needed to do – we had three happy years out of 10, albeit it was a few days at a time.
Then I followed my gut and fell in love with another and we had 13 happy wonderful years together. And still are friends.
I followed my gut when ending our relationship because I felt I was holding her back. And she went on from being a struggling 9-5er to owning her own successful business.
Then I tried following a logical thinking about work and getting a steady job and it was pure unadulterated misery for me, but I fought the misery and went from job to job, and relationships that were just as miserable.
Then using my head I became celebrate for five years blaming my misery on women and not the fact I was going against my gut feelings.
During those five years a very wonderful and attractive girl who just happened to be a lesbian turned my head. When I found out that she was a lesbian I followed my gut and not my head (my head told me to move on and find another) and enjoyed being with a girl for something other than the possibility of having sex.
However, one day while sitting in a movie theater with my friend and four of her girlfriends I turned and looked at each of them and realized something was wrong.
After the film we had planned to go to dinner and I made an excuse not to. My friend followed me to my car and said, “What’s wrong?” I said I wasn’t sure. She picked up on it better than I did and said, “You aren’t being true to yourself.” I suddenly realized that she was right and I was hanging with her because it was safe, and that that was one of those logical head things I did.
Still being in my head I went looking for what I thought was my fix. I met a girl at church and we shared a common interest in films and we went to movies almost every day. Then my gut feelings began to bother me, and it dawned on me that I was thinking wrongly with both heads so we ended it.
When I was 50 a British friend who was visiting me with her two teenagers showed me a picture of her 26-year-old daughter in London. Out of my mouth came, “That’s the woman I’m going to marry.” The teens laughed in my face, and the mother kindly said, “Yeah, right.”
Going on pure gut feelings I flew her over to visit, and eight days later we were married. She also thinks and acts the same way, in fact we have a pact that if either one of us has a strong gut feeling about doing or not doing something then that’s the way it will be.
We aren’t always true to our gut feelings and the times we’ve both gone against the others or our own feelings have mostly ended in regret. But we’ve been happy for the past 11 years and have two fantastic kids, and we teach them to go with their gut instinct as well.
May 4, 2008 at 12:07 AM
@ The Green Witch: “A gut feeling modified by knowledge” — that’s a very good mix, methinks.
@ Jerry: I think there’s a learning process most of us — perhaps all of us — need to go through before we know how, when, and to what extent to consult our gut feelings. Listening to those feelings is not always something that comes easy.