Last May, I wrote a post that summarized some of the things I believe I’ve learned from my experiences with fatherless girls.
Today, that post caught the eye of Amanda, who wants to welcome her newly found step-daughter into her family. Amanda would like any advice you’d be willing to offer her on the best ways in which to go about that. She writes:
i have questions. my husband has just found contact w his daughter after 14 yrs of absence. we have young children. i just want her to feel like she belongs, welcomed , loved,& wanted. there are “hot spots” things that will cause a flood of emotion for her. how do we avoid these “hot spots” we dont know what all of them may be. her dad diddnt chose 2 be absent. i believe she knows that now, but it dosnt erase the feelings of being unwanted or “thrown away” for so many yrs. is there anyone with any key words of wisdom? any opinions or advise on this would be very valueable. thanks
Amanda strikes me as a very sensitive and caring person, and I’m sure she’d appreciate any insights or support you’d be willing to offer her. Please post your insights and support here. I’ve directed her to this thread. Thanks!
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2 responses so far ↓
lirone // May 1, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I don’t know anything first hand about this particular type of situation so I can’t offer much help. But I was struck by the way you feel a need to avoid hot-spots. I understand why you’d want to avoid things that might trigger a reaction, but I think it’s probably not a good thing to try to do.
I think there’s a danger that self-consciously worrying about not saying the wrong thing may give the other person the impression that you’re uncomfortable being around them, which I’m sure is the last thing you want. Particularly if you don’t know what those issues are.
Tripping over a hotspot isn’t necessarily the end of the world - indeed it may bring you closer.
I’m sure it’s hard, but I think it might be easier for you and her to just be who you are, say what you want, and deal with whatever each others’ reactions are in an open and calm way. That way you send the message that you accept her as who she is, hotspots and emotional reactions and all.
Jerry // May 2, 2008 at 4:52 am
Amanda I think you and your family are going to be just fine, the mere fact you are open to that there will be problems puts you into a category of the unusual and that’s good, very good.
Most people like to hide from change until it hits them in the face and then it’s fight or flight. I’d suggest that you show your new daughter your post to Paul, as it should be a great way to open the door to your scary feelings and hers.
I wasn’t in the exact same situation as you but it was close. I was estranged from my son for many years due to many lies from his mother (my ex) and other members of her family and crossovers from mine.
They convinced my 16-year-old son that because I chose to live my life different than them and didn’t hold a get-the-gold-watch job that I was worthless. I instead chose to live freely and have fun being a writer, and doing other jobs as needed.
Seven years later I remarried and felt it was time to share my new wife, our baby and life with my son, who had at this time married himself.
My new marriage sent tremors throughout the family as she was 26 and I was 50 and to add fuel to the gossipmongers she was British, an actor and model and we had only knew each other for eight days.
My son agreed to meet us, and I was shaking the day we all met, as I didn’t want to lose him again. I rehearsed being casual, forgiving, knowing, accepting; you know all those altruistic things that you read about. We sat down at the table and before I could get out any of things I practiced our baby needed changing, so I got up and left to change her. While I’m gone my wife looks at my son and says, “You got any problems with me being your stepmother and only three years older than you?”
My son was floored, his wife was floored and then they all laughed. My son, answers back, “Nope, no problem at all.” From that moment on we’ve been father and son again, and we’ve all been a real family. Even my ex came around after awhile.
You both need to be upfront and confront the issues with your new daughter, because I’m sure she’s just a scared about it all as you and her father are. I heard once that FEAR stood for False Expectations Appearing Real and damn if it ain’t true. Be open and honest and she should respond likewise. My son and I still had issues to work through and it wasn’t all kittens and butterflies, but it has been well worth it. And now I’m also a happy grandpa.
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